Crisis of identity?

I know a thing or two on that subject matter.

Born in Brunei to Nepali parents, brought up in Hong Kong and England, appear asian but sound western. I often think of myself as an hybrid.

I’ve struggled long and hard with myself for a long time.

In the past, I’ve disliked myself more often than I’ve like myself, and on many a day I’ve felt like I just don’t fit in my skin, or my environment. On days like these I find myself wishing that I were more like one of my friends, with an assured idea of who they are and where they belong. But then I think, does anyone really ever feel like they fit in? Is there a PPQ-shaped hole somewhere in this universe that I would just slot into with a satisfying click?

It’s a tricky one.

But I am thirty now, and when I look back at my twenties, I realise things about myself that I never gave myself credit for back then.

I always put others before me.
I am loyal.
I am a procrastinator.
I am imperfect.
I am lovable.
I love.
I am intelligent.
I am eager to learn.
I can admit when I’m wrong.
I like knowing I’m right.
I want to make a difference to someone.
I am damn good at my job.
I want a new job.
It matters what other people think of me (even though it shouldn’t).

The more I live, the more time passes, the more I learn about myself. And these days I like myself as much as I dislike myself. There is more of a balance than there has ever been.

Maybe then there isn’t one PPQ-shaped hole in the world, maybe everywhere I go, I leave a bit of myself and I take a bit of that place with me and the shape of me changes to fit my environment.

Maybe that’s how I finally fit.

A personal evolution of sorts.

Soundtrack Pictures of Success – Rilo Kiley

I did it.

I did it!

Last week I handed in my notice and my last day working at A.N. Other Retail Ltd, where my life has been a living hell, will be the 15th December.

This means that Bonobo and I can buy a house in Oxford and grow some vegetables (amongst other things). I can leave the rat race at last, and learn how to relax these rigid elbows of mine (developed after 8 years of having to commute in this city - well you know what they say, if you can beat 'em, join 'em).

It's all so very exciting.

The scary thing is, I don't have a new job yet (Eep! This is not like me at all). But I have my fingers and toes crossed, and a few applicactions on the pipeline.

Just don't tell my Ma!