Crisis of identity?

I know a thing or two on that subject matter.

Born in Brunei to Nepali parents, brought up in Hong Kong and England, appear asian but sound western. I often think of myself as an hybrid.

I’ve struggled long and hard with myself for a long time.

In the past, I’ve disliked myself more often than I’ve like myself, and on many a day I’ve felt like I just don’t fit in my skin, or my environment. On days like these I find myself wishing that I were more like one of my friends, with an assured idea of who they are and where they belong. But then I think, does anyone really ever feel like they fit in? Is there a PPQ-shaped hole somewhere in this universe that I would just slot into with a satisfying click?

It’s a tricky one.

But I am thirty now, and when I look back at my twenties, I realise things about myself that I never gave myself credit for back then.

I always put others before me.
I am loyal.
I am a procrastinator.
I am imperfect.
I am lovable.
I love.
I am intelligent.
I am eager to learn.
I can admit when I’m wrong.
I like knowing I’m right.
I want to make a difference to someone.
I am damn good at my job.
I want a new job.
It matters what other people think of me (even though it shouldn’t).

The more I live, the more time passes, the more I learn about myself. And these days I like myself as much as I dislike myself. There is more of a balance than there has ever been.

Maybe then there isn’t one PPQ-shaped hole in the world, maybe everywhere I go, I leave a bit of myself and I take a bit of that place with me and the shape of me changes to fit my environment.

Maybe that’s how I finally fit.

A personal evolution of sorts.

Soundtrack Pictures of Success – Rilo Kiley

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