Strolling through Soho after a delicious dinner the other night, passing a notorious gay bar with beautifully groomed Adonis-like creatures checking each other out, Bonobo asked me if I could ever be a lesbian. I laughed. See, a few months before I met Bonobo I was going through that phase again. I’m not entirely sure if all women go through it but I know that I have at several points in my life…you know...men suck….they’re bastards…I don’t understand them…would my life be any easier if I were a lesbian? Yeah, that phase.

Joking aside, this time round I found myself really questioning my sexuality, because this time I had developed a debilitating crush on another woman and I was distracted. I just couldn’t stop thinking about her and it really knocked me for six. Christ, I’m a straight girl with straight dreams of settling down, getting married and having kids. And even without those ambitions of mine, good, little, dutiful asian girls get married, have kids and look after all of their family. Good, little asian girls are not gay.

For some reason instead of dismissing this as a phase, I thought about things a great deal. Recently, more and more of my female friends had been admitting that they had had lesbian encounters and everyone had agreed that it was natural. Of course, this only gave me another reason to feel that there was yet another thing that was utterly wrong with me. Christ, why hadn’t I had a lesbian encounter, was there something wrong with me? Am I abnormal, broken, a freak?!

Out of curiosity, one night I asked Big Brother Senior what he would do if I came out.

“Well that depends,” he said
“On what?” I probed
“On what your girlfriend was like.”

Open to interpretation perhaps, but that teeny conversation made me realise that nothing was wrong with me at all. That I have to make my own decisions, and that ultimately, the person who is right for me is the person who loves me, treats me with respect and who I love and treat with respect, together we make each other happy and healthy, regardless of our sex. That there's nothing wrong with me if I'm hetero and there's snothing wrong with me if I'm gay.

Boy and I used to talk about the theory of how people are always attracted to others regardless of their sexual orientation, that everyone has degrees of homosexuality to their personality. Hell, he even has a theory of percentages on the matter! And you know what? These days, I can’t help but think that perhaps there is an element of truth in all of that.

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