Sat in a caf with the Bubster today eating lunch and reading the papers. I came across an erotic intelligence test in the Sunday Times Style magazine and proceeded to test Bubs.

She scored mostly b’s, as did I. Supposedly this means we are able to identify any ‘potentially erotic’ situation and weigh up whether they’re good or bad and work out a solution accordingly.

Dammit I can’t even tell if a bloke fancies me or not! How did I even get this score?!

This has gone way too far. For nearly two years since my ex-bastard broke up with me I haven’t met anyone who even remotely sparked my interest in the romance stakes. Seriously, there has been a scary lack of cute guys for me to get excited about. And then B comes along, with those ridiculously blue eyes and his sharp suits. And bloody typically he has a girlfriend.

Well sodding hell! This thing of mine for B is just too much now so I’ve decided that I don’t want to think about him anymore. No really I’m done with the pining.

Love, lust, crushes – they’re a funny kettle of fish. You never really know what you’ve got, what you’re getting or what you’re going to get. And the crazy thing is, there is a staggering amount of people out there who spend even more staggering amounts of time trying to figure it all out. Like me.

Why do I waste my time and energy on all of this? In my relatively short dating history I have had seven boyfriends. A serial monogamist (I’m just not good at that one night stand stuff), I started when I was 18 and now nearly ten years later I am no closer to figuring it out. I watch tv, films, and read books for clues. Maybe someone has some sort of formula to help me along the way. But the more I take in, the less I know and moreover I’m still terrible at pulling. In fact, come April, my involuntary celibacy will have reached its two year anniversary. Yikes.

Okay so maybe I’m being a tad cynical. Let’s see now, okay I have learned a few things, so I’ll impart what little I know;

1) Never trust a guy with sad, dark eyes – he’ll always leave you to go back to his ex or to pine over someone else
2) Never trust a guy who tells you he loves you less than a month after he’s started seeing you – he’ll always leave you to go back to his ex or to pine over someone else
3) Never ever go for someone who went with one of your friends
4) Never ever ever get involved with a house mate
5) Don’t pursue someone who is taken
6) Never, under any circumstances settle for second best. That means make sure you come first (no, not first AFTER the dog or the mother or the ex-girlfriend, it means FIRST!) AND it also means don’t settle for second best. Never settle.
7) Wear sexy matching underwear – don’t underestimate just how sexy it can make you feel

Okay so it seems that maybe I have learned a few things about love. I wonder what 2004 holds in store for me?

Oh sod the wondering, I’d much rather consult Mystic Meg’s horoscopes and work on some kick ass resolutions. I’ll let you know how I go…

Happy new year!

Ps) what it be awful to admit that I’m considering sending out applications for the post of fuck-buddy?!