Kathmandu - 14th December

It is way too difficult to unlock the door without making a sound. Luckily I’m fully aware that the TV is blaring in their room so the chances are they are completely unaware that I am sneaking out onto the balcony for this illicit act. Thing is, it wouldn’t be the end of the world if they knew, but I couldn’t face the disappointment etched around the corners of their ageing eyes if I just announced it – “Folks – I’m just off out for a fag”. No, this way is so much better, and besides in the week that I have been here so far this is only my second.

First I ease the two dead bolts and then I carefully twist the key, unlock the door and slip outside. The crisp Himalayan air caresses my bare face and begins to nip at the edges. I take a drag on my cigarette and breathe in some serenity. In this moonlit hue, this cranky city seems almost calm.

I can hear the stray dogs scrapping with each other, prowling the streets in search the slightest most scant morsels of food. Far off in the distance a new born baby cries for its mother, and the house next door pulsates as the sound of western pop belonging to the teenage sisters shakes its foundations.

As I exhale I look at the sky and realise that it’s the first time I’ve looked up all week. I am greeted with a blanket of velvety Guiness, teeming with the most beautiful stars, shining so brightly they are practically resonating. I take another drag while I look for familiar constellations – Orion – check, the Plough – check, even the North Star – check. And then I find myself relaxing.

I look up again at this devastating sight and realise that these stars look like you. Yes, I see your face written across these ethereal lights, your smile, your gleaming eyes.

I take another drag. A deep, needy, longing drag. I inhale the smoke deep into my inner most recesses and it dances around in my lungs quietly, mingling with my thoughts of you.

I’m not even half way through this evil cigarette and I’m suddenly aware that I don’t much like the taste and I so I put it out.

There. That’s it. Extinguished.

Unfortunately this act while symbolic does not extinguish or erase your visage from the sky.

I heave a sigh as I creep back inside and lock the door behind me.

I miss you. A whole heck of a lot.

And at this split moment, my sadness is ineffable.
Because I think we could have worked if we’d only given it a chance.

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