God, either I truly am an awful person, or I have a sign on my forehead “Insult and attack me freely”! This time I have random homeless people on the street insulting me. No kidding!

Mullered with vodka and mid drunken conversation with one of my best mates, a guy approaches us on a dark Friday night and asks us to buy a Big Issue. Or so I thought. I apologise politely, tell him we have no change and besides we’ve already bought one this week and continue with my conversation about my hilarious and spectacular fall (note to all women – never get your kitten heels tipped with metal, or at least don’t wear them when you’re planning on getting inebriated). So I tell how me, Bubs and G had laughed and laughed when I fell and this guy appeared from nowhere and caught me so I didn’t break my tailbone. Well, still following us, the homeless guy goes off on one and tells me that he wasn’t trying to sell a Big Issue and just wanted some change and that he’s glad that I fell and he’s glad that my friends laughed at me. Nice. Again I apologise and tell him that I misunderstood and sorry I still have no change (cos I don’t) and he moves on to effing and blinding, so I’m fed up at being polite and I tell him to piss off. Obviously he hasn’t heard because he’s still shouting about how awful I am and thankfully, JT gallantly steps in and tells him to fuck off and leave me alone.

But that’s not it. My mate then turns around has a go at me saying that I always pick fights when I’m pissed and I should be careful cos the guy could have had a knife.

Sheesh. You kind of hope that while you might think bad things of yourself, your mates think the best. Oh well, someone get me to the Priory, this devious, fight-picking, drunkard of a girl obviously needs drying out.

So I said previously that the great thing about crushes was that no one gets hurt and that you get to enjoy it without any serious emotional investment. What I forgot to mention is that this is (obviously) only true if you don’t go and toy with the fantasy – if you don’t do anything to disturb the glossy sheen so as to make it real.

Arse! Tonight, after having to pull a late one at work, I had to call B and tell him some work related stuff. Imagine my surprise when the usually work-devoted man answers his mobile on a school night (when he is normally known only to leave work very late) from a busy pub! Well, I made profuse apologies and told him I’d try and call the office, and he, half cut tells me not to worry he’ll sort it and well, he’s only down the road from me and was thinking of strolling over to come and visit me. EXSQUEEZE ME? BAKING POWDER? That’s it, I burst into a fit of nervous giggles – I mean he’s drunk and he’s winding me up. WHY, would HE want to come and see ME?

I hastily bid my sorries and goodbyes and get on with work. All the while thinking of him. Not ten minutes later he calls me asking if I sorted everything and am I nearly finished and oh-so-casually “Why don’t you come for a drink with me?”

I should have said no. But I said yes. And I spent three glorious hours in Jamie’s with him, getting drunk and laughing. Problem is, he’s got a 24 year old girlfriend and he’s been seeing her for a year and a half. He doesn’t seem hugely keen on her but still, she exists. You don’t mess with other people’s boyfriends. But hell I can’t stop thinking about him and the crush is only BIGGER and BADDER! What do I do now?

And for those of you wondering…no I didn’t snog him! He has a girlfriend for Chrissake!

My lack of blogging of late is not intentional.

I have been moving house and the new place is amazing! Hurrah! It’s this cool 40s/50s mansion block in North West London and it has some crazy kitsch features like some bad ass chandeliers, turquoise bath tiles, and one of those electric fires which are made to look like ‘real’ fires. Best of all I have a secret safe in my room! AND, I have 3 new cool housemates – Bubs, G and C. All that and the bus ride to work is only 30 minutes.

I am feeling seriously smug.

I went to see the new Richard Curtis film, Love Actually tonight and it may just have persuaded me to believe in love again - cheesy I know.

But Jesus, that Curtis character is THE doctor of feel-good. He should be knighted!

2.30am SMS to Matt from me – Am I a devious bint?
11am SMS to me from Matt – Why a devious bint girlfriend?
10.25 pm SMS to Matt from me – Cos some bloke I was talking to last night said that about me.
10.30pm SMS to me from Matt - He’s a bellend.

Need I explain his greatness any further?!

I was out at my mate’s leaving do last night and was having what I thought was quite a good conversation with this guy called Ed. Truth be known I have never been very astute when it comes to figuring out if guys fancy me, but I must admit that at several points I began to wonder. Ed repeatedly leaned in close to talk to me and as he did he accidentally brushed his lips on my shoulder. I dunno, maybe I’m just making assumptions. Anyway as the night and the conversations drew on I found myself left in Digress with Ed and all of my other friends had gone. But that was okay, we were having fun. Or so I thought.

Over the course of the evening, Ed told me a couple of things that he felt he shouldn’t, that his mother had died when he was 18, that he was paranoid about being called ginger (he’s very blond) and that he was single. Now, call me crazy but I didn’t think that any of this was inappropriate conversational matter, but in order to assuage his worried mind I told him that I didn’t mind at all. I even told him that I wanted to be a writer and was inherently inquisitive and perhaps nosey about people as I find them so fascinating. I thought that was the end of that.

Whoa no! It wasn’t the end at all. At the end of the night he insisted on walking me to my bus stop and after a perfectly silly conversation about beards and the best routes home we ended up rowing! Now, having been a little inebriated some of the details are patchy, but Ed was really quite pissed and unable to see reason with anything I said. And out of absolutely nowhere he says’
“You’re a devious bint.”
Incredulous, I ask “What do you mean? Why?”
“I told you three things that I shouldn’t have. You even told me yourself you were nosey. You managed to get more information out of me than even any of my colleagues at work know about me.”

Well, what do you say to that? My ghast was well and truly flabbered. And er, helllloooo, I don’t remember strapping him into a chair and interrogating him. So he was really drunk and I could only guess that perhaps he felt a little vulnerable having told me stuff about himself and now he was desperately trying to stop himself from feeling so open. Especially since this was only the second time we had met. And as a wise friend once told me, the best form of defence is attack and I tell you what, it worked because I felt awful. I may be an emotional fuckwit, I may be flakey I may be many things but I am certainly not devious.

So a frantic 2.30am SMS was sent to a couple of my male friends – Am I a devious bint?
The verdict is still out…

Okay so I admit I have a huge, crazy-woman-laugh inducing, debilitating crush on a guy we'll refer to as B who I know through work. Like a lot of women, I go for a certain type - tall dark and handsome. B fits the bill. Now normally I’m articulate and can hold a decent, adult conversation with people, I can even be funny and charming sometimes! But around him I seem to turn into a schoolgirl, I get all giggly and breathy and it’s a little embarrassing.

You’d think I’d have learned my lesson by now because that type usually has sad puppy dog brown eyes, which invariably goes hand-in-hand with heartache. But hey I’m a glutton for punishment – the adage once bitten, twice shy just doesn’t hold with me (dammit!) and my last three boyfriends who were of ‘the type’ dumped me for the following reasons;
· to get back with his ex
· because he wasn’t falling in love with me
· because after TEN MONTHS he wasn’t sure he wanted to be in a serious relationship (but promptly was engaged to his ex pre-me within a couple of months)

That there is a whole lotta hurt.

And that’s what’s so brilliant about crushes and fantasies, no one gets hurt. If you don’t act on it you can enjoy it without investing any soul cash or emotions. Not only that, but the giggly, heady feeling leaves you feeling all light and smiley. Perfect.

Right, that’s it, I’m off to soak in the tub with bubbles, a few candles and my thoughts of B….mmmm

I don’t mean to sound like a hippy but I recently discovered the wonders and virtues of yoga and GOD I love it. Young, old, male, female – it’s bundles of fun for everyone, and seriously, I’m bursting with fruit flavour after every session. I’m getting bendier than a bendy thing with every passing week, and to add to it all there is a cute guy who comes to our Monday class. What more could I ask for? Knowing my luck he’s gay or married or summat, but hey, it won’t hurt to ogle him once in a while huh?